User:Howard C. Berkowitz/Herding cats

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Herding cats is, most often, a metaphor for a doomed attempt to get extreme individualists to collaborate; an ironic metaphor for the well-developed discipline of cattle drives. In actuality, if the would-be herder considers motivation and behavior, it is possible to get much of a clowder of cats, of the feline persuasion, to cooperate. The methods may or may not be relevant to politicians or online communities, but may be quite useful to those who adopt multiple cats.

Mass media

Music hath charms to soothe savage beasts, move men into battle, and to affect ideas. Some cats, indeed, do like human music of various forms, but this is is sufficiently idiosyncratic to be useful only for individuals or small groups.

With a household of indoor cats accustomed to canned commercial cat food, or "wet disgusting cat food (WD)", the Call of the Can Opener is a reliable herding technique. Cats, who can hear a mouse at ten meters, sometimes are very discriminating in listening to the sound of an electric cat opener, and will not be fooled by the acoustic signature of a tall can of vegetables being opened. They know the resonances produced by the opening of a flat can of WD or tuna.

As long as the technique is not overused and the masses become cynical, however, it is sometimes possible to assemble the clowder by simply actuating the can opener. With more discriminating audiences, an actual and relevant can must be opened, but perhaps only one of them. Cats are intuitively aware of the Soviet-era proverb, "they pretend to pay us and we pretend to work"; the motivation must be plausible.

Cats not only respond to mass media, but herding cats has been used as an advertising theme, as in the 2006 Super Bowl commercial for Electronic Data Systems. Ikea also used the theme in a 2010 UK commercial.

Democratic principles

If the clowder is of any appreciable size, direct democracy may not work. With such clowders, however, there tend to be social and interest groups. For example, in one household with a substantial clowder of rescue cats, the four indoor-outdoor cats form a subgroup. They prefer to be in a separate room from the indoor-only cats, but socialize well with each other and with humans in that group. While it may take slightly longer to herd focus groups, it is feasible, where attempting to enforce a single herd policy is as effective as getting unanimous consent on health care reform in the Congress of the United States.

Accommodating perceived disabilities

It is not uncommon to find individual cats who can effortlessly leap to a shelf above the level of the human head, but, when a human expects them to go to a specific place, develop what they consider movement disabilities. One such disorder is the inability to walk to the human-desired destination, but be perfectly comfortable if taken there while riding on a human shoulder. In like manner, politicians may be able to move to a desired goal only if they may make symbolic protests, or, perhaps, only receive signals of recognition of their will.

Permitting internal staff management

Some cats are inherently cooperative, but they need to be allowed to be allowed to work out the dynamics among their constituents and staff. The late, distinguished Clifford Berkowitz was an immensely powerful and graceful cat, pure black except for the last inch of his tail being pure white. In his first two years of life, he regarded the white spot as a pursuer and had to be sure he was safe from it before being herded. He went through a period of Stalinesque paranoia in which he believed the white spot conspired against him, and had to be purged before he could be herded. Eventually, he came to a modus vivendi with his tail and would cheerfully come when called. Indeed, as an adult, he would herd humans to bed when he determined it was time for them to sleep.